I’m 19.

I’ve taken quite the break from blogging… and writing in my journal… and doing anything I used to since I’ve started college. And I’ve been a wreck. Don’t get me wrong, I love college and Creighton is such a good fit for me, but I haven’t felt like myself lately. I have random spouts of anxiety that I can’t control, and I just feel like I’ve been drowning and I can’t do anything about it. It’s hard posting about this publicly, but this blog has always been a safe space for me creatively and emotionally. Today everyone feels like they need to put on a face that says “everything’s perfect” and “nothing could ever be wrong.” But it’s a lie. We’re not all fine, some people get homesick, some people have a hard time making friends, and some people are struggling with their classes. Whatever it is that you’re having a hard time with, I want to make sure you know this site is a safe space for you too. I want to be vulnerable for the people who think it isn’t okay to open up. No one has the perfect life, and most of the personas you see on social media should really be called the perfect lie.

Anyway, back from that little tangent: I’m never the person to feel like this, and I honestly can’t explain it, but I started thinking about what was different about my life, thinking maybe I could diagnose it. I’ve moved away from my family, it’s been a little stormy out, and I’ve stopped writing. I definitely miss my family and the security of home, but I have to tell you, I started writing in my journal a few days ago on a whim, and then started up again on the blog, and I have never felt better. I don’t know what it is about creating something and writing, but it makes me so genuinely happy. I haven’t felt like this since I’ve started college–there’s a sense of calm and peace that I didn’t have before and I really think it’s my writing.

So for those of you missing my blog posts over these few months, I’m back, and I’m sorry I ever left. I guess this is just a girl’s excuse in a blog, but I’m so glad I remembered what a good blog post can do for me. I value this blog and you guys so much, so thank you. And while I’m so content on a Sunday afternoon in a coffeeshop, I thought I should list 19 things I’m thankful for since I turned 19 on Thursday. The weirdest part about being 19 isn’t being 19, it’s thinking that I’ll be a 20-year-old next year… Yikes.

  1. Mama… who also happens to be my best friend
  2. Papa… who would be proud to know I helped someone changed their windshield wipers the other day
  3. Joey… who I can talk to for an hour and 21 minutes and think it’s only been a few minutes
  4. Carly-Boo (otherwise known as Carl)… the dumbest but sweetest Dalmatian in the world
  5. My friends
  6. Cheeseman Park
  7. My education
  8. Sunny days with a little breeze
  9. Grandpa Morty and Grandma Bobby
  10. The Rocky Mountains
  11. John Denver’s voice
  12. Chai tea
  13. Random people who smile at you
  14. Professors who genuinely want to help you succeed
  15. A good book
  16. People who inspire me
  17. Two functioning legs to go on runs with
  18. Sundays
  19. My life

Happy birthday to me! And for those of you who are struggling, try to take yourself back to your roots, and do something you love. It works.

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